My Ideal Job: Commissioner of the "Idiot" Police

When I grow up, I want to be Commissioner of the “Idiot” Police Department. The “Idiot” Police Department (or “IPD”) is a special tactical law enforcement unit whose sole purpose is to identify and stop crimes against sanity.   The IPD patrols our streets in search of the stupid and the inconsiderate perpetrating their brand of selfishness on the rest of humanity.  The crimes committed by these perps may not be as heinous as theft or murder but their very existence leads to a global atmosphere of anxiety, stress and a general disbelief that our fellow citizens can be such jerks. 

The following is a summary several of the crimes that fall under the jurisdiction of the IPD. This is by no way a comprehensive list of the stupidity that is prevalent in our society today but should serve as a good basis for the human potential.

 The Non-Moving Violation

A Non-Moving Violation occurs when a motorist drives at or below the speed limit in the left lane in a non-passing or non-traffic situation.  You would think that common sense alone would dictate that one vacates the left lane if they are not prepared to take on the burden of keeping the pace.  If common sense fails, you would think that the long line of cars formed at close proximity behind you would provide a clue that you are inconveniencing more than your allotted quota.   

Not all Non-Moving Violations are the same and the severity dictates the level of punishment. 

• Misdemeanor:  Traveling at the speed limit with a trail of three or less cars
• Felony:  Traveling below the speed limit or at the speed limit with a trail of more than three cars
• Capital Offense:  A Non-Moving Violation in an HOV lane

 
Walking with the Mob

Walking with the Mob occurs when you have a group of four or more people walking abreast on a sidewalk.  First of all, even in modern cities, sidewalks are not wide enough to support two way traffic if there is a wave of four people closing in on you from the opposite direction.  But it’s not only the oncoming human gauntlet forcing people into the street that makes this a crime.  The root of the problem comes in the fact that this great wall of human kind prevents me, I mean others, from getting where they want to be in the speed in which I, I mean they, want to get there.  It is one of the laws of physics that a group of people walking abreast will be limited by the speed of the laziest member.  Being that one in four people are really lazy, a group of four is bound to progress at a snail like pace.

Stripping

Stripping is the technical term for parking illegally in front of a store at a strip mall instead of walking the 50 freaking feet to the nearest open parking spot.  This is more commonly referred to as the Dunkin Violation.  It boggles my mind that people can be so self-absorbed to think that the normal laws of courtesy and decency do not apply to them.  Strip malls were not designed to have cars parked in front of the stores.  If they were, they would have put parking meters there and would have least made some money out of the convenience.  That is why someone on a hot summer day went through the effort to paint a series of these straight white things, called lines, in intricate perpendicular and parallel patterns.  Parking in front of a store makes it difficult for the rest of us to navigate into and out of these cleverly designed examples of line art.

There are some acceptable exceptions to Stripping.  One can execute a Dunkin Violation if there is someone else in the car.  They can also skirt the law if there is a dog in the car because dogs are just so darn cute.  Please note that a baby left in the car does not qualify as an exception and elevates this crime from the IPD to the real police.

 Disturbing the Peace; Train

Like air marshals, I want to create an undercover squad of train marshals whose sole purpose in life is to confiscate, and destroy on the spot, the cell phones of those Idiots who believe that their conversations are so important that they trump everyone else’s right to quiet and privacy.  While this violation is self-explanatory and should be clearly understood by anyone with a sense of decency and decorum, there is still a sub-group of sub-humans who feel it necessary to expose us at high volumes to their lives and their problems.  We have enough of our own problems and based on the lack of public courtesy, it is fair to say that these perps probably deserve their problems.  Similar to Miranda Rights, I will have these train marshals read the following “Understanda Rights” prior to confiscation of the weapon of audial destruction.

“I have the right for you to remain silent. Anything you say in a loud voice can and will annoy every single person on this train.  You have no right to call your attorney, drinking buddy, girlfriend, hair stylist, stock broker, landscaper or anyone else that causes you to raise your voice.  If you do not have any of the aforementioned contacts, it is no wonder because you are an inconsiderate moron. Do you understanda your rights?”

 Forced Entry

Forced Entry is when an Idiot driver tries to forego the long backup on the exit ramp and tries to squeeze in line right at the exit.   This is another one of those self-explanatory laws that would not require enforcement if people showed the proper level of respect for others.  If it is a medical emergency then the IPD will understand.  Otherwise, take your Escalade or Car Service Sedan to the back of the line and suffer like the rest of us.  In addition to the medical emergency exception, it is acceptable to bypass the backup at an exit ramp if someone towards the front of that backup, in a momentary loss of sanity, leaves enough room for you to slide in without you having to slow down in your lane or having to push your way in.  In such cases, the IPD can arrest the party who failed to keep that important distance between cars at a length of less than six inches.  In this case, the charge is “Accessory to a Forced Entry.”

 Illegal Standing

Illegal Standing is having someone stand in an open parking space while a friend or relative pulls the car around.  This is unacceptable and violates every unwritten rule of shopping mall parking etiquette.  It is time to take this set of unwritten quality of life parking lot rules and finally memorialize them.  I propose that the unwritten rules of courteous parking lot etiquette finally get written down and enforced in a new Constitutional amendment.  Part of the amendment will be immediate amnesty for anyone who runs over the Idiot standing in a space.  Very simple.  If you get your car there first, it’s your spot.   None of this I saw the spot when I was three rows over crap.

 Neighborhood Botch

A Neighborhood Botch is perpetrated when one parks in front of a house on the left side of a two way road because they are too lazy to turn around and park the correct way.  I more than understand the danger, difficulty and time consuming nature of the three-point turn.  Highway safety statistics are littered with examples of the bad things that happen during the execution of the three point turn… or not! 

 Miscellaneous

I think you get the idea as to plethora of stupidity crimes that would keep the IPD busy.  Here are a couple of other petty crimes that also fall under the purview of the IPD.

• More than 15 items in the express lane at the supermarket. 
• Not removing a crying or overly noisy child from a place where common sense dictates doing so.
• Littering:  Severity of the punishment will be indirectly proportional to the distance the perp is to a garbage receptacle at the time of the crime escalating up to a capital offense if you litter right next to a trash can.
• Telling me that I don’t care about something if I chose not to share you tear jerker story on Facebook.  This falls under a special Idiot Slander Code.  It also covers anyone who angrily yells at another because they do not agree with their position.  It does allow for you to calmly call that person an Idiot.

Epilogue

I would be remiss if I did not discuss at least one existing crime that I would not actively prosecute.  Texting and walking.  More times than not it is the perpetrator of this crime that is hurt the most.  Whether it is falling down a manhole, walking into a parking meter or stepping in dog poop, this is one of those crimes that falls under the category of divine poetic justice.