My Ideal Job: Commissioner of the "Idiot" Police

When I grow up, I want to be Commissioner of the “Idiot” Police Department. The “Idiot” Police Department (or “IPD”) is a special tactical law enforcement unit whose sole purpose is to identify and stop crimes against sanity.   The IPD patrols our streets in search of the stupid and the inconsiderate perpetrating their brand of selfishness on the rest of humanity.  The crimes committed by these perps may not be as heinous as theft or murder but their very existence leads to a global atmosphere of anxiety, stress and a general disbelief that our fellow citizens can be such jerks. 

The following is a summary several of the crimes that fall under the jurisdiction of the IPD. This is by no way a comprehensive list of the stupidity that is prevalent in our society today but should serve as a good basis for the human potential.

 The Non-Moving Violation

A Non-Moving Violation occurs when a motorist drives at or below the speed limit in the left lane in a non-passing or non-traffic situation.  You would think that common sense alone would dictate that one vacates the left lane if they are not prepared to take on the burden of keeping the pace.  If common sense fails, you would think that the long line of cars formed at close proximity behind you would provide a clue that you are inconveniencing more than your allotted quota.   

Not all Non-Moving Violations are the same and the severity dictates the level of punishment. 

• Misdemeanor:  Traveling at the speed limit with a trail of three or less cars
• Felony:  Traveling below the speed limit or at the speed limit with a trail of more than three cars
• Capital Offense:  A Non-Moving Violation in an HOV lane

 
Walking with the Mob

Walking with the Mob occurs when you have a group of four or more people walking abreast on a sidewalk.  First of all, even in modern cities, sidewalks are not wide enough to support two way traffic if there is a wave of four people closing in on you from the opposite direction.  But it’s not only the oncoming human gauntlet forcing people into the street that makes this a crime.  The root of the problem comes in the fact that this great wall of human kind prevents me, I mean others, from getting where they want to be in the speed in which I, I mean they, want to get there.  It is one of the laws of physics that a group of people walking abreast will be limited by the speed of the laziest member.  Being that one in four people are really lazy, a group of four is bound to progress at a snail like pace.

Stripping

Stripping is the technical term for parking illegally in front of a store at a strip mall instead of walking the 50 freaking feet to the nearest open parking spot.  This is more commonly referred to as the Dunkin Violation.  It boggles my mind that people can be so self-absorbed to think that the normal laws of courtesy and decency do not apply to them.  Strip malls were not designed to have cars parked in front of the stores.  If they were, they would have put parking meters there and would have least made some money out of the convenience.  That is why someone on a hot summer day went through the effort to paint a series of these straight white things, called lines, in intricate perpendicular and parallel patterns.  Parking in front of a store makes it difficult for the rest of us to navigate into and out of these cleverly designed examples of line art.

There are some acceptable exceptions to Stripping.  One can execute a Dunkin Violation if there is someone else in the car.  They can also skirt the law if there is a dog in the car because dogs are just so darn cute.  Please note that a baby left in the car does not qualify as an exception and elevates this crime from the IPD to the real police.

 Disturbing the Peace; Train

Like air marshals, I want to create an undercover squad of train marshals whose sole purpose in life is to confiscate, and destroy on the spot, the cell phones of those Idiots who believe that their conversations are so important that they trump everyone else’s right to quiet and privacy.  While this violation is self-explanatory and should be clearly understood by anyone with a sense of decency and decorum, there is still a sub-group of sub-humans who feel it necessary to expose us at high volumes to their lives and their problems.  We have enough of our own problems and based on the lack of public courtesy, it is fair to say that these perps probably deserve their problems.  Similar to Miranda Rights, I will have these train marshals read the following “Understanda Rights” prior to confiscation of the weapon of audial destruction.

“I have the right for you to remain silent. Anything you say in a loud voice can and will annoy every single person on this train.  You have no right to call your attorney, drinking buddy, girlfriend, hair stylist, stock broker, landscaper or anyone else that causes you to raise your voice.  If you do not have any of the aforementioned contacts, it is no wonder because you are an inconsiderate moron. Do you understanda your rights?”

 Forced Entry

Forced Entry is when an Idiot driver tries to forego the long backup on the exit ramp and tries to squeeze in line right at the exit.   This is another one of those self-explanatory laws that would not require enforcement if people showed the proper level of respect for others.  If it is a medical emergency then the IPD will understand.  Otherwise, take your Escalade or Car Service Sedan to the back of the line and suffer like the rest of us.  In addition to the medical emergency exception, it is acceptable to bypass the backup at an exit ramp if someone towards the front of that backup, in a momentary loss of sanity, leaves enough room for you to slide in without you having to slow down in your lane or having to push your way in.  In such cases, the IPD can arrest the party who failed to keep that important distance between cars at a length of less than six inches.  In this case, the charge is “Accessory to a Forced Entry.”

 Illegal Standing

Illegal Standing is having someone stand in an open parking space while a friend or relative pulls the car around.  This is unacceptable and violates every unwritten rule of shopping mall parking etiquette.  It is time to take this set of unwritten quality of life parking lot rules and finally memorialize them.  I propose that the unwritten rules of courteous parking lot etiquette finally get written down and enforced in a new Constitutional amendment.  Part of the amendment will be immediate amnesty for anyone who runs over the Idiot standing in a space.  Very simple.  If you get your car there first, it’s your spot.   None of this I saw the spot when I was three rows over crap.

 Neighborhood Botch

A Neighborhood Botch is perpetrated when one parks in front of a house on the left side of a two way road because they are too lazy to turn around and park the correct way.  I more than understand the danger, difficulty and time consuming nature of the three-point turn.  Highway safety statistics are littered with examples of the bad things that happen during the execution of the three point turn… or not! 

 Miscellaneous

I think you get the idea as to plethora of stupidity crimes that would keep the IPD busy.  Here are a couple of other petty crimes that also fall under the purview of the IPD.

• More than 15 items in the express lane at the supermarket. 
• Not removing a crying or overly noisy child from a place where common sense dictates doing so.
• Littering:  Severity of the punishment will be indirectly proportional to the distance the perp is to a garbage receptacle at the time of the crime escalating up to a capital offense if you litter right next to a trash can.
• Telling me that I don’t care about something if I chose not to share you tear jerker story on Facebook.  This falls under a special Idiot Slander Code.  It also covers anyone who angrily yells at another because they do not agree with their position.  It does allow for you to calmly call that person an Idiot.

Epilogue

I would be remiss if I did not discuss at least one existing crime that I would not actively prosecute.  Texting and walking.  More times than not it is the perpetrator of this crime that is hurt the most.  Whether it is falling down a manhole, walking into a parking meter or stepping in dog poop, this is one of those crimes that falls under the category of divine poetic justice.

Invictus

The 8 Characteristics of a Successful Entrepreneur

 

The Entrepreneur:  Nature vs. Nurture

I have helped start three companies, have created and grown several divisions within larger companies and have advised more than my fair share of entrepreneurs on their business ventures for over two decades.  As such, I have been exposed to a great many entrepreneurs, both successful and unsuccessful.  Through this exposure, I have found that the entrepreneur, this special breed of humankind, definitely marches to the beat of a different drummer. 

There has been much debate over the years as to whether entrepreneurs are born or made.  While I fall strongly on the nature over nurture side of this argument, it comes with a caveat.  Entrepreneurs are like gifted athletes.  They are born with the innate talents, abilities and characteristics to be that successful entrepreneur.  On the other hand, like the elite athlete, most would-be entrepreneurs, no matter how gifted, would fail without accumulating the proper tangible skills, training or guidance.  Also like the elite athlete, the successful entrepreneur will constantly acquire and hone the necessary skills for success. 

Sadly, though, no matter how many skills or specialties a person accumulates in life, only select few have the natural born make up to be the successful entrepreneur.  While no two entrepreneurs are the same, I have found that there are 8 main characteristics shared by them all.  The pneumonic “INVICTUS” will assist us on this journey of discovery and enlightenment.

I               Industrious / Hard Working

N             Narcissistic

V             Visionary / Foresight

I               Intrepid (Resolute Fearlessness, Unwavering Confidence)

C             Communicative

T              Thick Skinned

U             Unemployable

S              Spirit / Passion

 

Invictus:  Strength in the face of adversity

I chose Invictus not only because its first letters correspond nicely to the required characteristics of an entrepreneur but also because the meaning of the word Invictus is the very personification of an entrepreneur.  Invictus is Latin for “unconquered.”  But, largely based on the poem of the same name by William Ernest Henley and further solidified by a subsequent movie starring Morgan Freeman and Matt Damon, it has come to reflect the larger meaning of “strength in the face of adversity.”   If I had to pick a single concept that best embodies an entrepreneur, it would be strength in the face of adversity.

 

Industrious

Ben Franklin was one of America’s first and most successful entrepreneurs.  He founded the University of Pennsylvania, established Philadelphia’s first library and fire brigade. He invented the lightning rod, indoor stove ventilation and countless other products.  While many know of these achievements, most do not realize that Franklin was also one of our nation’s first franchisers.  Franklin would find qualified young men and would set them up in the printing business throughout the colonies.  The most important characteristic that Franklin sought in a partner was that they were industrious, or hard working. 

Although many of the 8 characteristics are not listed in order of importance, industriousness takes its rightful place at the top.  To be successful in any endeavor, unless you are a member of the lucky sperm club, you must outwork those around you.  Intelligence, charm and strength are nice characteristics to have but they are wasted without the proper work ethic to maximize their impact.  Much of entrepreneurial success also has a luck factor or the good fortune of being in the right place at the right time.  You can increase your odds of being successful by always working hard to seek out the right place to be.

 

Narcissistic

While narcissism often refers to one’s obsession with their appearance, narcissism also covers one’s love for their own abilities, ideas and achievements.  It manifests itself in a self-confidence that is impervious to outside attacks.  For these purposes it might as easily mean the lack of self-doubt.  One cannot be a successful entrepreneur unless they were truly in love with their ideas and creations.  It is this love that drives them.  It is this self confidence that creates a force field against the world’s inherent negativity towards others’ successes.  Not all entrepreneurs are as explicit in their narcissistic approach to self-promotion as Jobs, Ellison, Zuckerberg or Disney but, this characteristic in definitely present in the self-confidence of all entrepreneurs including less overt entrepreneurs like Branson, Hershey, Buffett and Franklin.

Visionary (Foresight)

Almost by definition, every successful entrepreneur has vision.  But it is more than just the ability to see that which does not exist.  Entrepreneurs have an uncanny knack to envision that which is around us in a completely different way.  Steve Jobs saw early on that the computer was not just an exclusive toy for early programmers.  George de Mestral was able to see that the plant burrs that stuck to his pants after hiking would make a novel premise for a great fastener and thus envisioned Velcro™.  Howard Schultz saw Starbucks as far more than just a seller of premium coffee beans.
 

Intrepid (Fearless Perseverance)

“He who sticks to the sidewalk may never get hit by a car but, he will also never cross the street.”  
By Yksnip Nevets (management consultant and industrial philosopher)
 
It is in the danger filled streets of the new and unknown that the entrepreneur thrives.  While others are afraid of being struck down by the traffic of failure, the successful entrepreneur welcomes the challenges that come with dodging the vehicles of doubt, challenge and adversity.  The road of the successful entrepreneur is dangerous to cross and leaves many an unworthy pedestrian to end up as a footnote in the annals of professional road kill.

Intrepid means resolutely fearless.  It is an almost pathological sense of invincibility that keeps the entrepreneur moving forward when common sense dictates otherwise.  Walt Disney went bankrupt in his early ventures and then had his first successful cartoon, Oswald the Rabbit, stolen from him.  His fearlessness to continue on led to the creation of his next successful cartoon, Mickey Mouse.  Milton Hershey failed at upwards of eight businesses before finding his sweet success in the form of caramels.  Most people would have stopped at one or two failed ventures (actually, most people would have been afraid to start even one venture).  But that is why most people are not successful entrepreneurs.

Communicative

“A really good idea effectively communicated is better that a great idea that languishes in obscurity.”

By Yksnip Nevets

The venture capital floors of Silicon Valley are paved with business plans of potentially great ideas that never got funding or support because they were never communicated properly or, even worse they were communicated improperly.  Good communication skills come in many different forms and are not limited to great business plans or PowerPoint presentations.  A good entrepreneur has the ability to paint a picture of potential; the potential of how great their idea can be.  How they do this may be different for each entrepreneur.  It could be as formal as a fully populated business plan or it could manifest itself in a passionate verbal description that leaves potential partners and investors in awe.  In certain cases, many an entrepreneur has let their product do the talking.  For this to be successful, the inventor has to make sure their product is speaking to the right audience.

No matter what the form of communication, a common communication strategy of the ultimately successful is to communicate often and in many case more than just one way.

Thick Skinned

It is said that Marconi, the inventor of the radio, was physically taken by his “friends” to a mental hospital for forced evaluation after he shared with them that he had invented a way to send communication signals without the use of wires.

For as long as there have been entrepreneurs, there have been critics, naysayers, doubters, detractors and all other forms of road blocks.  Many an aspiring entrepreneur has lacked the fortitude and has succumbed to these counter-forces and, as a result, their idea died a premature death.  The successful entrepreneur has the ability to block out the negativity of doubt and fear and push on.  The really successful entrepreneur finds improvement opportunities between the lines of criticism and uses it to make their idea and businesses even better.  The outside world often misunderstands this attitude for arrogance or narcissism (see narcissism above).  And there may be a bit of that, too but, if the entrepreneur is not so sure and absorbed in the certainty of their creation, there is no way the world will follow suit.

 Unemployable

“The truly successful are those with the impatience to accept their current lot in life but possess the patience to put in the hard work and preparation to improve it.” 

By Yksnip Nevets

Mark Cuban recently credited his entrepreneurial success in his failed attempts at working for others.  It is not that entrepreneurs cannot get jobs and do them very well.  It is the restlessness of always wanting more that prevents the true entrepreneur from remaining for extended periods of time in the indentured servitude of others.  Often this is magnified by the deep down feelings that they are smarter or better than those for whom they work (see narcissism above).  This is never a recipe for a harmonious work relationship and an impediment to a long tenure.

 Spirit and Passion

“Goals without passion are like Ferraris without gas.  Sure they look great in the driveway and impress the neighbors but they won’t get you anywhere.”

By Yksnip Nevets

As Industriousness took its rightful place at the top of this list, it is spirit and passion that have the final words.  All the other attributes of the successful entrepreneur would fade into obscurity without a blood boiling drive that fuels their every action.  Often, this passion manifests itself as narcissism (see narcissism above) or arrogance (see Trump, Cuban or Ellison).  But for the entrepreneur, the appearance of arrogance is nothing more than their passion escaping from the artificial boundaries of their physical being.  Yksnip Nevets also said that you are as the world sees you but your potential, both good and bad, lies in the way you see yourself.   While most of the world is trying to get the world to catch up to their potential as manifested in the way they see themselves, it is the entrepreneur whose self-esteem and passion sets the pace for how they are viewed by others.

The Worst Drivers

The Worst Drivers – by Rich N. Penniless

Let me begin by saying that the opinions put forth in this study are neither statistically proven nor third party substantiated.  They are based on anecdotal evidence garnered from commuting by car 30,000 miles per year for far too many years and living the daily human nightmare commonly referred to as the Cross Bronx Expressway. 

This unscientific study will not address the physical, ethnic or cultural characteristics of the actual drivers but instead will focus on the make of cars that seem to garner the lion’s share of road stupidity. It would be insensitive to generalize most drivers going below the speed limit in the left lane as [insert politically incorrect ethnic stereotype here] or overcrowded religious minivans.  It also might propagate false stereotypes to say that all drivers going 45 miles per hour in the right lane of a highway are large women, old people…or [re-insert politically incorrect ethnic stereotype here] and overcrowded religious minivans.  And it might cause an uproar to classify every careless speeder who weaves indiscriminately in and out of traffic without any regard for their fellow citizens as white males from New Jersey between the ages of eighteen and thirty. Instead, this report will only focus on the makes of the cars that corner the market on stupid things.

So, without further ado, here is the list of the cars that contain the worst drivers (in order of worst driver-ness)

1.       Audi

2.      Hyundai

3.       Volkswagen

4.       BMW

5.       Prius (I know it’s a model and not a make but I am sure everyone will agree with me on this one exception)

6.       Nissan Sedans (again a slight variance on the theme but I really do not encounter many Nissan SUVs doing excessively stupid things.  Altimas, Sentras and Maximas are a different story.

The Audi Enigma

I don’t know why but the closest I have ever gotten to serious accidents have primarily come at the hands of Audi drivers.  In my travels, it is the Audi drivers who disproportionately decide to exit right from the left lane of a three lane highway more than any other make of car with which I am in contact.  I am also not sure whether it is an option to have the turn signal removed from a new Audi upon purchase but I would think this must be the case given the number of Audi drivers who like to surprise the rest of us with their unannounced lane changes.  I am not a psychiatrist or psychologist but I have an opinion as to why Audi drivers appear to be so insensitive to their surroundings.  Actually I have determined that it is one of two possible scenarios. Audi drivers have either a major superiority complex or a major inferiority complex.  The former comes from the fact that Audis really are technical marvels and can arguably outperform most similar cars on the road.  The latter comes from the fact that although they are driving this impressive performance vehicle, Audi drivers are still not driving a BMW or Porsche.  This insecurity manifests itself in a constant attempt to drive around and through everything else on the road.  Or maybe it’s just that they are making a statement that they are not just another luxury car lemming following the masses to Bavaria’s best.  The best way to make a statement is to shout it loud and clear. 

Hyundai, Hyundai everywhere…

If it hadn’t been for those several Audi drivers that I witnessed almost driving people off the road, I would have chosen Hyundai drivers as the worst things on four wheels. I haven’t figured it out as to whether Hyundai drivers are that much worse than the general population or whether it has to do with the fact that there are just so many freaking Hyundais on the road that the law of averages just naturally applies. Or maybe there is something deeper afloat here.  The plethora of Hyundai daredevils on the road most likely stems from premise that Hyundai is the first car maker to actually make a higher performing car that is affordable to the masses.  As such, you now have given the equivalent of a road rocket to some of the less fortunate among us who, up until now, were limited by their intelligence and/or their pocket book, to purchase such performance.

The semi-uniqueness of the Volkswagen

Volkswagens are for those drivers who want the world to think they are different and unique but are not prepared to go all in.   As such, they end up being conflicted and confused and indecisive. This extends to all facets of their lives and we unfortunately get to experience it first hand in their poor driving.  Face it, it you really wanted to be different or unique you would be driving a Prius, Fit, Mini, KIA Soul or any similar car whose ugliness factor is only surpassed by its quirkiness.  We will discuss the Prius in further detail below.  To be perfectly honest, if you want to be unique but not ready for quirky, go with a Subaru.

BMW, The penultimate driving menace

BMW drivers tend to think of themselves as the very manifestation of the elite, high performance driving machines in which they can be found weaving in and out of traffic.  They drive great cars and they know it.  Unfortunately, they need to flaunt it in our faces at every turn (and straightaway).  One positive thing I can say about BMW drivers is that, as they zoom from lane to lane at excessive speeds, they do tend to use their turn signal more than most other luxury cars.  Thank you for that.

A Prius, A Prius…My gas credit card for a Prius

I am not sure I need to even explain this one. Prius drivers live in their own private Idaho.  They are so busy trying to maximize gas mileage that the standard rules of acceleration, speed limit, merging, keeping up with traffic and non-dynamic braking are seemingly suspended in Prius-ville.  But, one does need to admire the fact that, unlike the Volkswagen drivers mentioned above, they just do not care what others think.

Nissans:  I remember when I was the performance vehicle for the masses

As mentioned above, this does not apply to the Nissan SUVs.  In short, the Nissan menace applies to any Nissan that ends in an “a” like Maxima, Altima and Sentra (sorry New Yorkers but the "Pathfinda" does not count).    All I can attribute this to is the theory that they were the Hyundai bringing performance to the masses before Hyundai became a better Nissan bringing performance to the masses.

Honorable mentions: 

Although not mentioned above, there are some makes and models that are just on the outside of this list.  They include the Cream Colored Toyota Camry (this may be they only car specifically targeted to 90 years old drivers), any Fiat, Dodge Chargers and Challengers (although, they may just seem aggressive because most of them are unmarked police cruisers) and the Lexus (similar characteristics as the Audi driver but tend to be much older demographic and thus less a little less aggressive).